Lori Pritchard asked, "When trying to create positive change, it often involves getting rid of things or people in your life who are causing more harm than good. What problem(s) you have experienced in breaking negative ties?"

About Lori Pritchard, PhD Candidate

Arnie Sherr wrote: Two words within your question are not part of my vocabulary, “problem” and “negative.” The word "negative" is perceptive at best. What is “negative” for one may be another’s positive. In determining if something or someone presents an unfavorable circumstance, it is important to assess one’s own contribution to that which we deem as “negative.”  I think a better description of such situations, relationships, or circumstance falls under the umbrella of compatibles or in the case of your question, incompatibles.

Separating one’s self from incompatibles is easily prosecuted and generally requires no explanation; that is, unless an explanation is requested. For example, if found in an employment situation for which the employee receives little or no appreciation, value or satisfaction; resignation may be in order. Crying foul and criticizing a previous employer is unjustified regardless of sour grape perceptions because, 1) serves no personal or professional purpose, and 2) such hostilities generally arise when situations are essentially incompatible. One person’s incompatibility may be another’s compatibility.       

 Breaking incompatible relationships offer other considerations, especially for those who embrace sensitivity. For people who are not sensitive to the needs of others, breaking “negative” ties is generally a mechanical process. If goodbyes in whatever form are tendered by insensitive people, and many times the absence of goodbyes is replaced by unexplained disappearance; they may be structured as “you can do better” or “I am not worthy of you”, patronizing reasons for escaping – coward/dishonest.

In all scenarios, whether breaking ties is easy or challenging, or is directly related to how one participated in the relationship. It matters not if the relationship is between two or more persons, an employer, or any group in which there are personal or professional ties. If one participated with integrity, sensitivity and sincerity, then viewing the breakaway as mere incompatibility is logical. On the contrary, if one participated in the relationship dishonestly, breaking away involves a series of challenges that include accepting responsibility for hurting someone or something; bearing the guilt and ramifications that may result. It is in these cases that those initiating the breaking of ties generally try to avoid guilt by deferring blame by telling the entity or person that, in whatever form, they are not worthy of the entities’ or person’s relationship.

Then there is the issue of “positive” change. Change is of the most unsettling mental weights. Most humans find change difficult to decide and if having made the decision, even more difficult to expedite. Often times, after change(s) has occurred, the “changer” regrets having done so. Therefore, I advise my clients when considering changing jobs or career paths to dig deep into the research aspect before acting upon what may be impulsive motivations. Most times reason for change relates to perceptions of “stress.” Once I make the point that there is no stress, only stressful thoughts, the conversation changes to “What can I do view things differently? Wayne Dyer PhD said, “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” Ergo, if the relationship or situation appears “negative” or incompatible, is it really?  One person’s negative may be another’s positive.

Since it my experience that most make changes impulsively, my best advice is to slow the process and rethink the situation when emotions are uninvolved. Emotions distort reality; therefore, many find that what feels right when upset, hurt, angry or otherwise, is much less troubling after emotions have quelled.

But then, there is another side to the “change” coin.

“Why Change is so Hard”

Managing Change - Why Change is so Hard and What to Do about It

By Jack Zavada

Change is hard—so hard, in fact, that most of us avoid it at all costs.

By avoiding change, we create even bigger problems, such as lost opportunities, broken relationships, or sometimes a wasted life. Millions of people who need to change are drifting along with no real purpose, no joy, feeling as if they are traveling a dead end street.

I can relate. I have had to make some major changes in my life, and each time they were painful. I usually fought those changes until I reached my misery threshold, then I reluctantly did something rash to escape the bad situation. READ MORE

This is more reason to rethink and rethink; to be sure, it is not enough to merely want change, it must be right. Making change decisions are difficult and disconcerting whether right or wrong; however, wrong change decisions are doubly or more hurtful to all concerned. Therefore, being certain and second-guessing what appears as certainty is in order.